# All around the world
#世界各地的人们#
This is The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber.
这里是喜剧中心丁日吐槽座谈会
# All around the world people want to be loved #
#世界各地的人都缺爱#
With your roastmaster, Kevin Hart,
我是不吐槽不舒服星人凯文·哈特
and starring Shaquille O'Neal,
还有我的老乡们大鲨鱼奥尼尔
# All around the world people want to be loved #
#全世界的人都缺爱#
# All around the world they're no different than us #
#世界各地的人和我们没什么不同#
The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber.
喜剧中心丁日吐槽座谈会现在开始
And now, please welcome your roastmaster, Kevin Hart. 现在让我们欢迎不吐槽不舒服斯基凯文·哈特
All right, hey. Y'all better clap.
好吧哟掌声在哪里
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
晚上好女士们先生们
my name is Kevin Hart, and welcome
我是凯文·哈特
to The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber.
欢迎参加丁日吐槽座谈会
Here's the thing,
事实是
Justin Bieber has tens of millions of fans.
丁日有上千万的
I mean, most of them are either in middle schools
大多数不是还待在学校的脑残学生党
or standing at least 500 feet away from one.
就是被禁止靠近学校的猥琐大叔团
不要笑
It's the truth. I'm not saying anything that's not the truth. 这是很严肃的事实我不是在忽悠你
He's a worldwide superstar.
他是一个世界级的巨星
There's even a wax figure of Justin
在伦敦的杜莎夫人蜡像馆
at Madame Tussauds in London.
还有一个丁日的蜡像呢
It's incredibly lifelike. I've seen it.
真的很逼真我见过的
He's face down in a wax Usher's lap.
他大脸朝下倒在亚瑟小子蜡像的胯下
It's--it's weird.
这这真的很奇怪
That's a dick sucking joke. We off to a start.
这就是个吹&hearts；箫&hearts；梗就是这么开场的
Yeah.
嗯
It's gonna get dirty tonight.
淫&hearts；荡&hearts；的夜晚开始了
Tonight--Here's the thing. Tonight we're gonna do
今晚请竖起耳朵
what his parents and the legal system
我们要做一件
should have done a long time ago.
他父母和法律系统早该做的事
We're about to give this boy a ass-whupping that he deserves. 我们要海扁这熊孩子的屁&hearts；股♥
We are. We are!
是的你没有听错
Why invite me if you don't want it to get ugly?
如果你不想被黑得难堪那为什么要请我来呢
I don't understand that.
我搞不懂
I mean, come on, we got the right dais to do it.
但是机会难得错过今天再等一年
We got Ludacris. We got my man Snoop Dogg, Shaq.
我们有卢达·克里斯史努比狗狗大鲨鱼
This is crazy.
真是棒呆了
Usually, when I see this many brothers sitting together,
通常情况下看见这么多黑人兄弟坐在一起
Maury Povich is about to open an envelope.
我以为是莫瑞·波维奇要宣布亲子鉴定结果呢
I've never seen anything like it.
这个节目从没有如此的声势
Shaq, take that dumbass look off your face.
大鲨鱼别像个傻愣愣的
You look stupid.
你看上去很二
Here's my question. Shaq, how did you even
我想问问你大鲨鱼
end up on a roast? That's what I want to know.
你到底怎么就上了这个节目了
They must've called up the NBA pregame show
他们一定打给了NBA赛前秀
and said, "You know what? Send us the third funniest guy. 说内个来一个第三搞笑的吧
"Wait, he's not available?
什么他没空
Send us Shaq. Let us get Shaq then."
那来大鲨鱼好了让他上
My man Snoop Dogg is here. There he is.
我的好基友史努比狗狗也在这儿
Yeah.
耶
Wait, wait, let me clear something up
呃嗯我来澄清一下
for all the young people here tonight.
今晚在这儿的年轻人都听好了
Snoop Dogg is a rapper.
史努比狗狗是个说唱歌&hearts；手
Yeah, that's my aunt's favorite rapper.
是的他是我阿姨最喜欢的说唱歌&hearts；手
You know--
你们知道么
For all the black people that are confused
所有的黑人盆友都搞不清
about that old white woman on the couch,
坐在沙发上的那个白人小老太是谁
that's Martha Stewart. Yeah, right there.
那是玛莎·斯图尔特
That's Martha Stewart right there.
那儿坐着的是玛莎·斯图尔特
Martha, do me a favor and put your ankle bracelet on vibrate 玛莎帮我个忙能把你的电子脚环调成振动的吗
so we don't have no problems during the show.
这样我们的节目就不会被打扰了
But, Martha, understand something.
但是玛莎记住
Tonight, it's about another blond bitch.
今晚我们要吐槽的是另一个金发小婊砸
It's about Justin Bieber.
叫丁日的那个
That's who we're talking about tonight.
我们今晚要吐槽的是他
That's who we're talking about tonight.
对就是他那个小婊砸
So now, why don't we do this.
那为什么我们
Why don't we go and take a look at his huge success 不先看看他的辉煌成就呢
that confuses everyone over the age 14.
那些闪瞎14岁以上人狗眼的成就
Roll security footage right now.
我们来看看各种丁日视频
Our next guest has a mind-boggling 80 million views 我们的嘉宾在油管上有着八千万关注者
on YouTube, and he's only 15 years old.
而且他只有15岁
# And I was like, baby, baby, baby, oh #
#我就像宝贝宝贝宝贝哦#
# Like, I thought you'd always be mine #
#我原以为你永远都属于我#
贾斯丁比伯被捕
# I'm gone
#我放手了#
That's how you do it.
哥就是这么拽
# Find me somebody to love
#给我个炮&hearts；友♥#
Justin Bieber is one of the biggest
丁日是这个星球上的
pop stars on the planet.
炒鸡巨星之一
Now I'd like you to welcome my brother to the stage. 现在有请我的好基友
He goes by the name of Justin Bieber.
丁日上台
Justin Bieber.  Justin Bieber.
丁日丁日
I love you so much.
我好爱你们
Speeding down the 101 freeway,
在101公路上飙车的巨星
pop star Justin Bieber was stopped by police.
丁日小天王被警方拦下
The Boyfriend singer had just returned home
在一场海外演唱会之后
from an overseas concert tour when he began racing his Ferrari 刚回到家的丁日小天王开着他的法拉利
through the streets.
在街上乱窜
# If I was your boyfriend I'd never let you go #
#如果我是你的男友我绝对不会让你离开我#
I think about him 99% of my life.
我的生活中99%都是他
I saw him in the car.
我在他的车里看见了他啊啊啊啊
That was the most amazing moment of my life.
那是我人生中最美妙的时候
Best moment of my life!
我的人生圆&hearts；满&hearts；了
Justin Bieber said that he hoped Anne Frank
丁日说他希望安·弗兰克
would have been a Belieber.
是他的
That's right, I didn't make that up.
这是真的我没有唬你
I couldn't have made that up.
这话我可编不出来
# If I was your boyfriend
#如果我是你的男友#
Ow.
喔
Bieber could face battery charges
在和一位摄影师发生肢体冲突之后
after a physical altercation with a photographer.
丁日小天王将面对殴打他人的指控
What the you say?